Primal Shrug Therapy
Everything's a crisis these days! And I'm here to help.
With the solution, not the crisis, in the form of a revolutionary self-therapy based on ancient Stoic and Buddhist wisdom. But hold your horses, cowboys, cowgirls, and cowpeople! Particulars and fine print first!
Disclaimer:
The following article describing a psychotherapeutic intervention has been written by a non-psychotherapist who probably needs psychotherapy and is intended for informational purposes only. Also, maybe for a bit of much needed humor for those of us still capable of appreciating the value of poking fun at the human condition of which we are all subject. It's important to note that the information provided in this article is not a substitute for professional advice or treatment from a licensed psychotherapist, mental health professional, or humorist. Consult your mental health care provider of choice to determine if Primal Shrug Therapy is for you.
While efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information presented, it should not be considered as a comprehensive guide to psychotherapy or a replacement for individualized care. Psychotherapy is a complex field filled with all sorts of squirrelly bits that require extensive training and expertise, and this article does not provide the same level of knowledge and understanding as a qualified practitioner of complex squirrelly bits.
The author of this article is not liable for any direct or indirect consequences that may arise from the use of the information provided. Primal Shrug Therapy is not a toy and should not be presented to children under the age of 25 without adult supervision. Do not practice Primal Shrug Therapy while operating any sort of mechanical or electrical device - this includes backhoes, automobiles, Christmas lights, paper scissors, etc. Even better, if you're holding on to anything with a battery or made of plastic or metal with moving parts, set it down before practicing Primal Shrug Therapy. In fact, it's probably best if you practice Primal Shrug Therapy when you are stripped naked and standing in your backyard. Readers are encouraged to consult with a qualified psychotherapist or mental health professional for personalized advice, diagnosis, or treatment related to their specific situation.
Furthermore, it is essential to recognize that psychotherapy is a highly individualized process, and what works for one person may not work for another. The article's content is not tailored to individual needs and should not be considered as universally applicable advice.
Lastly, this article may not reflect the most up-to-date research or developments in the field of psychotherapy, as the author, while having co-developed Primal Shrug Therapy and is an expert practitioner of Primal Shrug Therapy, is not a qualified expert. Readers are encouraged to consult current and reputable sources and to stay informed about the latest advancements in psychotherapy.
By reading and utilizing the information presented in this article, you acknowledge and accept that the author is not a psychotherapist or mental health professional, and you agree to release the author from any liability arising from your use of the information provided.
That's it for the disclaimer. Now let's get to it...
Primal Shrug Therapy
Primal Shrug Therapy was...invented?...discovered?..., certainly developed in collaboration with my friend, Dean, while we were roommates at CU-Boulder in 1980. Holding true to my superpower, it appears to have been co-invented or at least hinted at elsewhere by others. We also invented several drugs that should exist but don't. Or didn't. Maybe they do, now. I don't do drugs as a rule so I'm largely uninformed on this front. Too much knowledge about biochemistry, pharmacology, and complex systems probably ruined any interest. Also probably for the better. Ask me some day about Realizone and Fantazine.
But I digress.
Here's how Primal Shrug Therapy works.
Learning to Crawl
Stand, facing a mirror and look deep into your eyes.
Bask in the glow of that beautiful face of yours, shrug your shoulders, and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Eh!" Do this three times. Start slow, pace yourself. Be kind to yourself and don't strain your body or voice.
Rest for a few minutes.
While still basking in the glow of your now more relaxed and beautiful face, shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Meh!" Do this three times. Again, go slow and take care of your most excellent self.
Rest for a few minutes.
Learning to Walk
It's time to stretch your skills a little. Just a little nudge. Not much. You're ready, I can feel it!
As before, stand, facing a mirror and look deep into your eyes.
While basking in the glow of that beautiful face of yours, shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Eh! So what?" Do this three times.
Rest for a few minutes.
You're doing great! Now shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Eh! Whatever." Do this three times.
Rest for a few minutes.
Time to level up! Now shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Meh! What difference does it make now?" Do this three times.
Rest for a few minutes.
Stretch! Shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Eh! Forget about it." Do this three times.
Rest for a few minutes.
Reach, reach, reach for that Power Shrug! Shrug your shoulders and raise your open palms slightly to the side as you say out loud, "Meh! Who cares?" Do this three times.
Rest for a few minutes. Notice how the feeling of peaceful space between events and how you interpret them grows as you let that space fill with relaxation and joy!
Cycle through these steps at least twice a day for the next several weeks. When you feel your confidence is established, it'll be time to learn how to run with this!
Learning to Run
It's time to bring your new found skills into the world (while following all workplace dress codes and social norms for keeping one's self clothed appropriately according to the season.)
While observing or hearing any sort of information (often described as "news") that causes you to feel like your cortisone levels are rising, pause what you're doing and stand up (if you can and you aren't already.)
Inhale deeply, shrugging your shoulders, raise your open palms slightly to the side, and recite with your inner voice one of the phrases from Learning to Walk as you do so.
Exhale, releasing a heavy sigh as you do so. Do this as often as necessary.
Learning to Run - Advanced
While engaged in a conversation in which one or more people disagree with or criticize you, pause and shrug your shoulders as you say, "You might be right."
If Step One doesn't lead to the effect you want, try shrugging your shoulders and saying, "I might be wrong."
Remind yourself you care about the outcome. You care about what's right, not who's right.
Learning to Fly
Way to go, little bird! You got this!
Choose to use Primal Shrug Therapy early and often.
Repeat step one.
One last disclaimer: No animals other than starving undergraduates were harmed during the development of Primal Shrug Therapy. Any resemblance to real persons - living or dead - is purely coincidental. Not available in all cities or academic campuses.
If you have any questions, need anything clarified, or have something else on your mind, please use the comments section or email me directly.