Stoic Meditation #17 - Lost and Found

The art of losing and finding: Knowing when to let go and when to grab hold.

Apr 22, 2025

"I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent- no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you." - Seneca, On Providence, 4.3

For the past 20 years, today is a day that I feel approaching six or so weeks out. Sunlight is filling more of each day and the fresh cold snap to the air carries a faint aroma of rain. The daffodils and crocus are in full bloom and the robins have begun to return, heralding the approach of Spring and new life. The light, the feel of the air and other things bring back memories of the weeks and days leading up to today. Officially, it's "Earth Day," but that means nothing to me, except to sardonically note it's the day my first wife, Janet, let go of her ten year battle with breast cancer, dropped her ailing body, and departed the planet for greener pastures.

The losses are a stark counterpoint to the subsequent 20 years and what can be found from having worked through difficult times. The life I'd hoped for had unraveled - children, career, a nice home, travel - it all lay around me like cold wreckage from the Hindenburg. Instead of livin' the dream, I was alone, near bankrupt, and in poor health from ten years of strain and stress. The burn was complete, virtually nothing left to salvage. The restart was from less than scratch.

"We must learn to suffer what we cannot evade; our life, like the harmony of the world, is composed of contrary things—of diverse tones, sweet and harsh, sharp and flat, sprightly and solemn: the musician who should only affect some of these, what would he be able to do? he must know how to make use of them all, and to mix them; and so we should mingle the goods and evils which are consubstantial with our life." - Michel de Montaigne - The Complete Essays, Chapter XIII - Of Experience

What I found were new friends as well as deeper friendships with old friends, hidden talents, forgotten dreams, and a solid foundation to my character and soul that I didn't know I had. And beyond all expectation, I found love again (Q!) I discovered new dimensions to endurance that shaped a meaning beyond suffering for suffering's sake. I'm still learning lessons from those times. I still struggle with them, too. Sometimes mightily. The rough material is a bittersweet mix indeed. It's only been recently, in the last couple of years, that I've been able to find Montaigne's harmony between the lost and the found and sketch it out on paper.

I find it interesting that some translations of the Montaigne quote use the word "avoid" rather than "evade," as in the quote above. "Evade" connotes deliberate action and motion. "Avoid" smacks of fear, freezing, and shelter-in-place until someone comes to the rescue. I don't think either case is a healthy approach for dealing with significant life events. Bad times are as unavoidable as the good times are desirable. Each are, as Montaigne suggests, part of life's composition and to exclude ourselves from anything less than full participation is to diminish the meaning of our very existence. No sir, time doesn't heal all wounds. But if used wisely, time can help us grow stronger and the burdens easier to carry.

"For our powers can never inspire in us implicit faith in ourselves except when many difficulties have confronted us on this side and on that, and have occasionally even come to close quarters with us. It is only in this way that the true spirit can be tested, – the spirit that will never consent to come under the jurisdiction of things external to ourselves." - Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, On Groundless Fears 13.1