Are You Ready for a Difficult Conversation?
Is this a picture of a difficult conversation in action?
No. This a confrontation, a battle, a fight, an argument.
Confrontations are surprises, unforced errors. Difficult conversation are prepared and planned.
In the life cycle of every conflict, there is a point when it's large enough to be recognized, but small enough to be resolved. - Daniel Dana
It doesn't help that some people are predisposed to respond strongly to any type of perceived threat. Makes no difference if it's real or not. Standing 6'5" tall and physically fit, I can be intimidating without even trying. Even when trying to be unintimidating I end up being intimidating. More than a few times I've been told by people - after they've gotten to know me a little - I intimidated them just by walking into room. A common occurrence is for someone to be startled by my size simply from them having walked around a corner from behind me and nearly colliding while I'm engaged in conversation with someone else. And by "startled" I mean "screamed." Unexpectedly, after I solved the issues around being bullied in grade school, I have to work at not being intimidating.
I can't prepare for situations like this. Frankly, this isn't something I work very hard at "fixing." I can't shrink at will. There is no way for me to "turn down" my size. No way to "get small" in someone else's mind. Needless to say, this has made handling some kinds of problematic behavior with employees a little challenging at times. Knowing I might have this effect has made preparation for difficult conversations all the more important. (Although, on the odd occasion this attribute has been rather helpful for keeping the peace.) Everyone has some aspect of there persona that is intimidating to others. It's important to know what those attributes are and how others perceive you in charged situations.
Over the years I've had to work out a method for resolving minor differences before they become enduring and entrenched differences. If you're a scrum master, you'll want one or more methods or models for preparing to engage in a conversation that may become heated. And you'll need to practice these methods or models. A lot of what's involved with my method depends on the situation and the people involved. But there are several core components.
Establishing the frame I want for the conversation is critical. When I know the frame and I've done the preparation work to establish it, I can control the frame during the conversation and find a path to the desired outcome. Usually some version of win-win. Some people don't like this idea of setting and controlling the frame. It conjures up stress and anxiety around manipulation and such. Well, duh. But the hard truth of the matter is that no matter what, a frame will be set and controlled by someone. If it isn't you, than it will potentially be someone who doesn't have the best interests of everyone involved in mind. Assuming your ethics transcend strictly self-serving interests, you have a responsibility to set and control the frame. Any reluctance to do this is a strong indicator of a lack of skill for working through the conflict and holding professionals accountable for their actions.
Work to have simpler conversations before actually needing to have a more difficult one. Assuming your daily scans of the team temperature failed to reveal an emergent conflict, once it's become apparent, meet with each of the people involved - informally and casually, if possible - to ask for their help in understanding something you're seeing or something you've heard. Be patient. Listen carefully. You'll learn more about the individual's perspective. When the opportunity presents itself, which it almost always does, ask them what they think needs to happen to resolve the issue. Work out the steps with them before the end of the conversation. By doing this, they become invested in the solution. Because, after all, it was their idea and people really don't want their ideas to be proved wrong.
Know your reason for holding a difficult conversation. Are you seeking to enforce some aspect of the scrum framework? Realign someone's behavior with corporate best practices? inspire them to stretch their skills into new areas? Bring their behavior into alignment with the rest of the team's practices and behaviors? Mentor or coach?
Physically write out what you know about all sides of the issue, including yours. Vent as much as you need, but use a pen and paper, sticky notes, Emacs, Vim, Notepad, Word - use anything that doesn't have a "Send" button. No drafts in emails, open chat windows, texting apps, Facebook posts, or Twitter. These things have a way of...er...sending themselves. Unintended bad things will out. The value in doing this - safely - is that it gets the emotion out of your head, out of your body so you no longer have to hold on to it. High energy emotions cloud judgment and block optimal solutions. So get it out of your head and then set it aside for a few days. Your notes will keep all your witty retorts and snappy comebacks safe and sound. They'll still be there when you come back to them. Of course, what happens with anyone who's been moving along a path of quality introspection and reflection is in hindsight all that cool and cleaver dialog you had in your head becomes cringe-worthy. Now all the cruft can be swept aside and what will remain are the kernels of truth behind the emotional layer. What's possible now is a clear evaluation of the problem and much better chance at a solution. And don't be surprised if you find the root issue is no longer relevant to the situation or revealed as an issue with you.
There is no sequence to these components. They happen in whatever order they need to. Sometimes, they happen simultaneously.
Photo by Afif Kusuma on Unsplash